All-Star Insanity in “Machete Kills”

Welcome to this year’s 2013 Celebrity Free For All!  Or should I say Robert Rodriguez’s Machete Kills, the long awaited (I think?) sequel to 2010’s Machete.  If you can’t tell by the movie’s title, this movie will contain lots of death and destruction, including a trailer that doesn’t hold back (Yes, I’ve attached it at the end of this article).  We’ve all seen at least one crazy Rodriguez film, but I don’t recall seeing one with this many A-listers… Yes, Spoiling Bastards, let’s ROLE CALL:

All-Star #1: Carlos Esteves… Sorry, I mean Charlie Sheen

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I know.  It’s a stretch by calling this an “All-Star”, but let’s be honest:  we can see him coming from a mile away.  Sheen’s role in Machete Kills doesn’t appear to be too different from his life.  He plays the shot-drinking slut of a president of the United States.

All-Star #2:  Jessica Alba

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A familiar face in the Rodriguez cycle of films, Alba returns in Machete Kills as… well, Jessica Alba.

All-Star #3:  Michelle Rodriguez

Another familiar face from 2010’s Machete, Rodriguez will be reprising her role as Shé, only this time she’ll be wearing an eye patch.

All-Star #4:  Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson

I’m not sure if Rodriguez is trying to revive acting careers here, but with Gibson it seems pretty obvious that’s what he’s attempting.  Not sure if it’s a publicity stunt or if it’s cheap, Gibson will be wiping away his bad image by playing Luther Voz.. Something that has a strong chance of backfiring.

All-Star #5:  Sofia Vergara

 Sofia-Vergara-Shoots-from-Her-Bra-in-New-Machete-Kills-Poster

Coming from a Sofia Vergara fan, I’m looking forward to seeing what comedic aspects she’ll bring to this film.  I adore her character Gloria on ABC’s Modern Family, and I’m expecting some of her exotic Columbian charm to hit the silver screen.  Or turning her boobs into a shotgun is a good role, too…

All-Star #6:  Antonio Banderas 

Once again, Rodriguez pulls another familiar face into his movies.  No surprise here.

All-Star #7:  Alexa Vega

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First of all, welcome back to the big screen.  Second, it doesn’t look like Rodriguez wants you to do anymore Spy Kids movies… An unexpected familiar face in the cycle, and I think it’s safe to assume she’ll be playing the family-friendly role once more.

All-Star #8:  Cuba Gooding Jr./Lady Gaga

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Yeah, you read that right.  In the trailer, you see Cuba Gooding Jr. say that we’ve “never seen his face.”  He continues to peel off a mask to reveal none other than Lady Gaga.  We’ve all known her to pull some crazy fashion stunts, but I never new she walked around as Cuba Gooding Jr. in a fake flesh suit!  Genius, Gaga!

I’m assuming this will be one of those cases that you have an attention-grabbing cast but absolutely no story.  Machete Kills hits theaters October 11th.  Here is the trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BO1WwOQowlg

About Eryn McCabe

University of Pittsburgh, Class of 2015 | English Writing Major | That Indie Film Chick | Movie Spoilers Writer